I’ve started my period, which is normally a rather unpleasant affair, but which is downright crappy when you are trying to get pregnant. On top of the other joys a period brings, like cramps, mood swings and pimples (really? at age 36?), it brings no baby for another month. In tribute to my cycle o’ joy, I will list some other things that bring me joy (please note the sarcasm dripping here):
1. The phrase “Just sayin’.” Especially when coming out of the mouth of a uber-white person (white skin, white soul) as though they are totally cool. It is not cool.
2. Facebook status updates of your pets. I do not care about your cat, dog or ferret. I do not want to see any status updates or photos of them. Nor do I want said updates to use the word “snuggle” in them. I barley want to see your kids on Facebook; enough with the pets (of course I still expect you to look at EVERY picture of MY kid and leave appropriate comments about her beauty, wit and unsurpassed intelligence).
3. Idiot drivers when there are snow flurries, but no snow on the ground. You do not need chains on your tires, a white-knuckle grip on your steering wheel, or a speed limit of 20 mph on the highway.
4. Bloating. I don’t think I need to elaborate here.
5. Rush Limbaugh. I took time to listen to him today for about 20 minutes. He is a vile, insipid instigator. He was ranting about the left being full of hate and stirring the pot, all the while spewing baseless “facts” and making incendiary comments that were doing nothing but creating the same hate he condemned and stirring the same pot he said the righties were too good to even notice was boiling. He is truly the worst of America.
6. That I can’t go to bed at a decent hour. Every morning I can barely drag myself out of bed and spend the morning in a fog. It isn’t good for me and it isn’t good for Lucy. Yet all of the sudden, EVERY NIGHT, it is 11pm and I’m still not in bed. I can’t seem to break the cycle.
7. Dresses I tried on at the mall today. Eff you, you effing effers. Couldn’t one of you have fit?
8. Driving and texting. I will be that old lady who honks when I catch you doing it. So freaking scary to think that my kid will someday be a) driving amongst idiots that think it’s ok to text and drive or b) an idiot who texts and drives.
9. My retainer. I’m a 36-year-old woman, yet if I didn’t wear my retainer somewhat regularly, I’d be a little more buck-toothed than I already am. Seeeexy. Kids, don’t let anyone tell you differently: zits and ‘tainers are here to stay
10. When my daughter hands me her boogers. She thinks she is doing something great, but oh, oh, oh, she’s not. She-snot…get it??? Anyway, I’m really grossed out by her little bundles of mucus. REALLY grossed out.
Nighty-night.
